sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
