She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
