That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
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