I am spending my child support on dildos
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
