How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
