do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i came on her dog
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
