I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
