why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
