is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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