I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
