he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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