what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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