I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
