My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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