There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
People in love make me want to vomit
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
