The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
