dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
