thus making me awesome and them whores
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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