The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Is it penis luge time yet?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
