I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
