if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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