I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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