hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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