He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
