Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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