Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
