I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
