don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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