I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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