She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
