the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
