Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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