I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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