Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
