headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We just shotgunned beers for America
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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