Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
