I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I cut my penus on the lid.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
They took my balls.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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