glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
