oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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