The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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