I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
