it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
