Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
