Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
