I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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