for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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