A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
