Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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