Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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