Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
high people should be assigned attendants
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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