Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
